How I’m doing

Prelude to my official return

I’m back on Sunday, but I know folks are curious about my health and well-being, so before I write an actual newsletter, I wanted to update you on how I’m doing and where my head is at.

The health news is quite good. My surgery went well; the surgeon did a fantastic job medically and cosmetically, and best of all, a lymph node biopsy showed that my cancer hadn’t spread. Recovery has gone well, and I’m resuming daily activities like working out (yay!) and laundry (boo!) I’ve also appreciated the time off. Normally I travel a lot for work in the fall, but this year I’ve really enjoyed being home with my spouse and kids. The time has been as good for my mental health as it’s been for my physical recovery.

Still, my cancer journey isn’t over. The cancer might be removed from my body, but I’m still in treatment, and treatment is about lowering my risk for recurrence. I’m waiting on test results to determine what comes next and how intense that will be. The journey isn’t a straight line, and the milestones aren’t always clear. Before I dive back into business as usual, I want to share a few reflections.

My job is cancer

Last week I had three Zoom calls right in a row. That’s not an unusual day for me, but what was unusual is that none of the calls were about work or politics. They were all related to cancer and healthcare. Most of my appointments and meetings are now about my health. Most of the paperwork too. Cancer and taking care of myself have become my full-time job. It’s treatment and recovery, but also logistics and appointments. I’ve never appreciated being an organized person more. I’m not comfortable saying that I’m kicking cancer’s ass (more on that below), but I am kicking cancer logistics in the ass.

I am learning to live with ambiguity

One of those appointments was with a social worker who went over support group options with me. There was a support group for living with cancer and another for survivors. I wondered which one I was since my body is currently free of cancer, but I’m still in treatment. She told me there were no rules, and I could decide where I fit right now. It felt like one of those choose-your-own-adventure books I used to love as a kid.

I hate ambiguity, but right now my life is chock full of it. There’s no clear path forward, and I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not even sure how to define where I am in this process. But I’m also learning to embrace that. To be OK with not having all the answers and not knowing what comes next. It’s forced me to focus on the present and helped me enjoy my life.

I am not kicking cancer’s ass, or trying to, and that’s OK

For whatever reason, people in my life love to think of me as tough, a badass, and someone who has her shit together. It’s a version of myself that I like and up to now has helped fuel my self-confidence. I like being an achiever who gets stuff done and accomplishes great things.

My family and friends initially talked about my cancer treatment in those same terms. I was going to kick cancer’s ass. Cancer didn’t stand a chance against Melissa Ryan. I was going to do battle with cancer and come out the victor.

Only I don’t feel that way at all. I’m not in a fight, and I couldn’t kick cancer’s ass if I wanted to. Right now I have to do the opposite. Trust my medical team and the science, and accept help from my loved ones. I have to receive, and I have to heal. And I’m good with that. I don’t need to fight against my body or even my disease. I need to go with the flow and protect my peace.

My priorities are shifting

Of all the things about cancer, this one has surprised me the most, even though it probably shouldn’t. At this point, I have countless examples of family members having a medical crisis and making big changes to their lives as a result. So I’m not sure what my own shift took me by such surprise. My diagnosis was a shock to the system, and the desire to stop doing some things and do more of others was immediate. Right now, I’m more tuned out of politics and current events than ever. I still enjoy writing, but I’m just not following the constant news cycle like my work usually demands. What does that mean moving forward? I’m not entirely sure just yet. But I’m curious to find out. Stay tuned.

I’m thriving on gratitude and joy

One of those shifted priorities is that I’m newly obsessed with creating and experiencing joy. Especially for our family. My kids have been through a lot this year, and their Mom having cancer is just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve found myself worrying less about routines and everything we need to do, and focusing on quality time spent together doing fun things. Enjoying ourselves and making memories. It means saying yes a whole lot more and letting go of what we think we should be doing and how we should spend our time.

I’m also just continually grateful. For the way family, friends, professionals, and complete strangers have shown up for me and my family. In ways large and small. This has been one of the worst times of my life, but I’ve seen who the people I surround myself with truly are. And I’m humbled by how many have shown up for me and my family. I’m grateful for science and good medical care, for how many resources are available to breast cancer patients and survivors that I’ve been able to access. I’m grateful to see so many examples of kindness and compassion in a world that often seems devoid of them.

Can we get back to politics? Please?

I’m officially back on the beat this Sunday, and while I enjoyed my time off and the incredible guest writers who stepped up, I’m also happy to be back. The midterm elections are less than three weeks away, and we have a lot to talk about. Thanks so much for reading CARD and for all that you do to make this world better. I’m excited to talk to you again on Sunday!

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One thing cancer has taught me is how to accept help. Your support is a big part of why I can take this time to heal without CARD going dark, and why the newsletter stays free for anyone who needs it. If you can chip in as I get back on the beat ahead of the midterms, I’d be grateful.

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